We Don’t Talk Enough About The Pain of Growing Apart
How to navigate the loss of close friendships while learning to embrace the ebbs and flows
Friendships are some of the most profound and transformative relationships we experience in life.
They shape us, support us, and provide companionship through different seasons. But just like people evolve, friendships do too. And sometimes, that means growing apart from those who once felt like family.
While the idea of a 'friendship breakup' might sound dramatic, it’s actually a natural and common part of life. As we navigate adulthood, our values, priorities, and lifestyles shift. Some friendships seamlessly evolve alongside us, while others begin to feel strained, distant, or mismatched. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the friendship failed — it just means it’s changing.
The Friendship Rings: Understanding Ebb and Flow
I like to think of friendships as rings or circles. There’s the innermost circle — the people you turn to for everything, your closest confidants. Then, there are the middle rings — people you love but may not see as often. And finally, there are the outer rings — usually acquaintances or friends of friends. These rings or circles are not fixed throughout our lifetime; people in our lives move throughout and into new rings as we build and grow our lives in the world.
And sometimes, the people in our tightest rings start to drift outward. Maybe you’re at different parts in your lives and are finding it harder to connect. Maybe life gets busy or a big move happens, and you no longer see or talk to each other as often. Whatever the reason, growing distant from a close friend can be painful, especially if you’ve shared years of memories, laughter, and deep conversations. For some, it can feel as devastating as an actual romantic breakup or loss of a loved one.
But it’s also okay — friendships don’t always have to end in a dramatic fallout nor do they always have to end when the distance comes between you; they can simply shift into a different form — if you let them.
When to Address It and When to Let It Be
If you’re feeling a distance between you and a close friend, it’s okay to acknowledge it. A simple conversation — one rooted in honesty and care — can provide clarity. Sometimes, expressing your feelings can rekindle the friendship and help you both start to make more of an effort to stay connected. Other times, you may find that you’re just in different places, and forcing closeness might do more harm than good.
Instead of seeing this as a failure, consider it an evolution. Not all friendships are meant to remain in the same form forever, and that’s not a bad thing. Some friends naturally phase out, and later in life, they might phase back in. Reconnecting at a different time, when both of you have grown in new ways, can be an incredibly beautiful thing.
Need Help Navigating the Divide?
If you’re thinking you may be heading toward a friendship breakup or you’re just feeling distant from someone you care about, here are some things you can do to try to save or reinvigorate your friendship:
1. Start the Conversation
Be honest but kind. Let your friend know how you’re feeling without placing blame.
Use “I” statements to express your perspective (e.g., “I’ve noticed we don’t talk as much, and I miss you”).
Ask if they feel the same and if they want to work on reconnecting.
Be prepared for any response, whether they want to rebuild or acknowledge the change.
2. Try to Reinvigorate the Friendship
Plan a meaningful catch-up, like a coffee date or an activity you used to enjoy together.
Find new common ground by sharing updates on your lives and seeing where you still connect.
Make small but consistent efforts to stay in touch, such as sending a thoughtful text or checking in occasionally.
If life is simply pulling you in different directions, accept that this season may look different, and that’s okay.
3. Accept and Heal If It’s Time to Move On
If attempts to reconnect don’t work or if you sense the friendship has naturally run its course, allow yourself to grieve and heal. The loss of a friend is a heavy thing, and sometimes, going inward can help process your feelings. Here are some journal prompts that may help:
What did this friendship mean to me, and what did I learn from it?
What emotions am I experiencing, and how can I honor them?
What are some beautiful memories I want to hold onto?
How can I create space for new or deepening friendships in my life?
Letting Go with Love
If you sense that a friendship has run its natural course, give yourself permission to let go without guilt or resentment. Appreciate the role that person played in your life, cherish the memories, and know that just because they’re not in your inner ring right now doesn’t mean they never will be again.
At the end of the day, friendships — like life — are fluid. It’s okay to miss the closeness you once had with someone while also accepting that change is part of the journey. And if one day, your paths cross again in a meaningful way, you’ll have a beautiful foundation to build upon.
So, if you’re feeling the growing pains of friendship changes, know that you’re not alone. Friendships evolve, and so do we—and that’s more than okay. It’s a sign that we’re all growing, learning, and embracing the natural rhythms of life.
