Are You A Vampire Friend?
Ways you may be unknowingly sucking your friendships dry
What exactly is a vampire friend? Honestly, you probably already know.
I'm sure we've all experienced a person or friend in our lifetime who, no matter how much we love them, we would categorize as exhausting.
Maybe it's someone you have to hype yourself up to spend time with or answer their phone call or text. Perhaps they only talk about themselves and never ask about your life or interests. Maybe they constantly complain about their problems and issues, or maybe they're just always negative.
The point is that a vampire friend is someone who leaves you feeling depleted, exhausted, and emotionally empty.
And while not a literal bloodsucker, vampire friends can be just as physically draining.
How To Know If You're A Vampire Friend
Given the way people tend to feel when interacting with vampire friends, you'd probably assume you would know if you were a vampire friend: "All of my friends and family seem so happy to see me and talk with me, surely they don't think I'm sucking their energy dry!"
But the truth is, oftentimes people lack a self-awareness strong enough to notice their deeply ingrained patterns of behavior or beliefs. We operate on autopilot so much of the time with our thoughts, actions, and everyday habits that we may not even notice the way we're acting or behaving until we're already in the middle of doing it.
And if you don’t believe you’re the vampire friend, you may likely have one. While there are telltale signs of a vampire friend, truthfully the best way to tell is to check in with yourself after interacting with certain people. How do you feel? Happy? Motivated? Light? Or tired? Exhausted? Irritable?
Here are some possible signs, but again, it's best to listen to your gut on this one.
Signs of a Vampire Friend
Constant negativity or drama
This person frequently complains, finds fault, or dwells on negative aspects of life. You may feel like these people dump their problems and issues on you when you spend time together. I like to call these people Eeyores; they're always down, always under a raincloud, and despite your best efforts to help them or make them happy, don't seem interested in trying to better themselves.Dominating conversations
This person often steers conversations toward themselves or their experiences, leaving little room for you or others to share. Admittedly, this person may be trying to connect with you by constantly bringing the conversation back to themselves or their experience, but it's no less exhausting to have to listen to a one-sided conversation about another person without any interest of your life being reciprocated.Emotional manipulation
This person will use guilt, fear, or pity to get what they want from others. Emotional manipulators are toxic. If you do not have boundaries established with emotional manipulators, you need to do some work. Many times, emotional manipulators can be loved ones, family, or friends we might be closest to because an emotional investment has been made in established, close relationships which makes it far easier for manipulators to try and take advantage.Energy-draining
After spending time with this person, you may feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or unmotivated. This doesn't necessarily mean they're depressing or unhappy; maybe they're crazy high-energy and always interrupting you, and you feel you can't finish a sentence or story. Perhaps they're very loud and you're a person who is easily overstimulated. Perhaps they go on and on about their problems, but when you try to help them find a solution, they knock each one down.Lack of empathy
This person struggles to understand or relate to the feelings and experiences of others. Hopefully, we can all confidently say that our friends and people we're close to have some level of empathy. But in today's climate, especially politically, it can feel like there's no empathy left among a lot of people. For this type of friend, maybe they refuse to see or acknowledge another person's point of view or it always becomes an argument or shouting match. Maybe they choose to not understand or attempt to relate to your feelings or those of another person, which can leave you feeling depleted and exhausted for even trying.
Overcoming Vampire Friend Behaviors
If you've read the above signs and feel like you see a little bit of yourself, you're not alone. Let’s be honest: nobody is perfect, and relationships can be difficult. It's perfectly normal to feel like you've fallen victim to one or a few of these tendencies in your lifetime. However, it's important to really take inventory of yourself, as a person, and how you are showing up in your relationships with others.
If you feel you might be a vampire friend or show tendencies of one, here are some ways you can work to overcome those negative behaviors:
Practice mindfulness
Self-awareness is a practice and not something you develop overnight. But when you begin paying attention to your thoughts, your actions, and your words, you can learn to push them out of the driver’s seat of your life. Cultivate the ability to really get in tune with your thoughts and feelings, and try to identify any negative patterns. It's not easy, but it is SO important. Mindfulness is a powerful tool that can help you become more aware of your behavior and make conscious choices. It won't happen overnight, but if you can catch yourself doing it once today, you may find yourself noticing your thoughts twice the next day, and maybe three or four times the next day. Every little effort will compound.Try to develop more empathy
Work on understanding and appreciating the perspectives of others. Even if you don't agree or hold the same opinion, respecting and acknowledging another person's point of view or opinion will get you much farther in life than the contrary. When in conversation with others, challenge yourself to see things from their perspective and learn to actively listen to their concerns. You may find that we are all actually so much more similar than we are different.Focus on positivity
Really try and make a conscious effort to focus on the positive aspects of life. The world is already so full of people and things that can make us feel sad, angry, or hopeless. Try your best to not let that into your inner world. One way to do this is by developing a gratitude practice. There are many ways to practice gratitude, but one of Hello Happy's favorites is by finishing each day by identifying & writing out 5 Good Things. These things cannot be about productivity or accomplishing tasks; 5 Good Things is about little glimmers throughout your day that leave you feeling happy. Think: you enjoyed a long walk with your dog and the sun felt nice on your skin, or you heard a new song you like a lot. Find things that bring you joy and write them down every night before you go to bed. Knowing you must list 5 Good Things before you fall asleep each night helps rewire your brain to learn how to begin recognizing and identifying good things as they happen during everyday moments of your life, resulting in an overall happier, more positive outlook on life.Seek support
As always, if you're struggling to change your behavior, consider seeking professional help or talking to a trusted friend or family member. Asking for help when you truly need it is one of the strongest things you can do as a human. By asking for support, you're acknowledging that you want to get better and are willing to take steps to get there.
Becoming a more supportive and uplifting friend can have a profound impact on your relationships. By recognizing the signs of a vampire friend and taking steps to change your behavior, you can build healthier and more fulfilling connections with the people in your life.
Protecting Yourself from a Vampire Friend
If you feel you may have a vampire friend in your circle, it's of vital importance that you redirect your focus back to yourself and learn to protect yourself. Here are some ways you can do this:
Set Boundaries
This one can be hard, but it's arguably one of the most important skills you can learn in life. It's important to know that YOU are the most important person in your life. It is not your responsibility to fix or solve anyone else's problems besides your own. Learn to say "no" when necessary to invitations with vampire friends or limit your contact with them. You don't have to stop being a friend to them, but by establishing boundaries around how often you speak to or hang out with them, you add a layer of protection between you and their energy; you are in control of how and when you allow them into your world.Stop Enabling Their Behavior
This is a big one. If you find yourself drained or exhausted by a friend who won't stop complaining or who is always negative, make sure you are also not enabling them through your words or behaviors when you hang out. When friends are complaining constantly, are you asking them to go on and to keep sharing details? Do you reply with complaints about your own life? When a friend is being relentlessly negative, do you always agree with them or find more examples of negative things happening in your life? Stop enabling vampires by refusing to engage. You can acknowledge their complaints and negativity, but try to redirect the conversation back to something happy or uplifting: Have you read any good books lately? Tell me how your sweet pet is doing! Did you see the latest episode of that funny TV show we like?Be Brutally Honest
If setting boundaries and stopping any enabling behaviors doesn't seem to make a difference in your relationship with your friend, it's time to be brutally honest. Let your friend know how they make you feel, and that things need to change. Be open and honest in the ways you feel after speaking to or hanging out with them, and ask them to work on making a change. Do this with kindness and make sure they know you're coming from a place of love. It's also important to keep your expectations tempered – change will not happen overnight or all at once, so give your friend some grace if they may fall back into old behaviors, but also hold them accountable.Cut the Cord
If none of the tactics above seem to be working and confronting your friend directly seems to do more harm than good, it may be time to pull the plug on this friendship. If you're not ready to completely cut ties, at least consider "shelving" the relationship until they can prove or demonstrate that they're ready to try and change. This can be difficult, especially if the vampire in question is a loved family member or someone you care about deeply. But unhappy people breed other unhappy people, and you must prioritize yourself and your mental health and happiness above all others.
